Chapter 1 - Locked In Pain

“Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath.” —Ephesians 6:4

uring a national youth camp a few years ago, I had the pleasure of serving hundreds of young people between the ages of 12 and 18. During the camp, my wife and I were asked to talk to the youth about friendships and dating, to help them make appropriate decisions about the relationships they were involved in.

What we discovered shocked us. We asked the children some basic questions about their expectations in relationships:

1.      What is your definition of a “real man/woman”?

2.      What do you think the opposite sex is looking for in you?

3.      Who are three people you like?

4.      What is it in your parents’ relationship that you want in your marriage?

5.      What is it in your parents’ relationship that you don’t want in your marriage?

QUESTION # 1: WHAT IS A REAL MAN/WOMAN?

It was amazing to hear that over 95 percent of the girls believe that the first attribute of a “real man” is that he is “godly” or has a relationship with God. That was the first thing that came to mind for the girls when asked the question.

Other criteria included things such as knowing one’s purpose, having a job, and having a place to live. Just about every young lady had these issues as a part of their definition of a real man. They agreed that they would have a major issue with a “man” who did not have a relationship with God, did not have a job, and still lived with his parents.

They wanted a man who had a sincere relationship with God. They wanted someone who could be the head of the home, and a covering for their family.

But when we asked them about their current boyfriend, we got a different story. Most of the boys that they liked, or were in a relationship with, did not have a serious relationship with God and didn’t even meet most of the criteria the girls said they wanted in a man. It was interesting to see that there was a contradiction between whom they said they wanted, and whom they were actually with.

The boys, however, were not as spiritual. The majority of the boys had as their first criteria something that had to do with looks, or physical attractiveness. The spiritual component was less important to the boys.

They wanted their girlfriends to look good primarily. They also wanted to be respected for who they were, and not feel pressured into spending a lot of money on their girlfriend to make them happy.